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Neanderthals hunted and butchered giant elephants

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Some 125,000 years ago, enormous elephants that weighed as much as eight cars each roamed in what’s now northern Europe.

Scientifically known as Palaeoloxodon antiquus, the towering animals were the largest land mammals of the Pleistocene, standing more than 13 feet (4 meters) high. Despite this imposing size, the now-extinct straight-tusked elephants were routinely hunted and systematically butchered for their meat by Neanderthals, according to a new study of the remains of 70 of the animals found at a site in central Germany known as Neumark-Nord, near the city of Halle.

The discovery is shaking up what we know about how the extinct hominins, who existed for more than 300,000 years before disappearing about 40,000 years ago, organized their lives. Neanderthals were extremely skilled hunters, knew how to preserve meat and lived a more settled existence in groups that were larger than many scholars had envisaged, the research has suggested.

A distinct pattern of repetitive cut marks on the surface of the well-preserved bones — the same position on different animals and on the left and right skeletal parts of an individual animal — revealed that the giant elephants were dismembered for their meat, fat and brains after death, following a more or less standard procedure over a period of about 2,000 years. Given a single adult male animal weighed 13 metric tons (twice as much as an African elephant), the butchering process likely involved a large number of people and took days to complete.

Stone tools have been found in northern Europe with other straight-tusked elephant remains that had some cut marks. However, scientists have never had clarity on whether early humans actively hunted elephants or scavenged meat from those that died of natural causes. The sheer number of elephant bones with the systematic pattern of cut marks put this debate to rest, said the authors of the study published Wednesday in the journal Science Advances.

The Neanderthals likely used thrusting and throwing spears, which have been found at another site in Germany, to target male elephants because of their larger size and solitary behavior, said study coauthor Wil Roebroeks, a professor of Paleolithic archaeology at Leiden University in Germany. The demographics of the site skewed toward older and male elephants than would be expected had the animals died naturally, according to the study.

“It’s a matter of immobilizing these animals or driving them into muddy shores so that their weight works against them,” he said. “If you can immobilize one with a few people and corner them into an area where they get stuck. It’s a matter of finishing them off.”

What was most startling about the discovery was not that Neanderthals were capable of hunting such large animals but that they knew what to do with the meat, said Britt M. Starkovich, a researcher at the Senckenberg Centre for Human Evolution and Palaeoenvironment at the University of Tübingen in Germany, in commentary published alongside the study.

“The yield is mindboggling: more than 2,500 daily portions of 4,000 calories per portion. A group of 25 foragers could thus eat a straight-tusked elephant for 3 months, 100 foragers could eat for a month, and 350 people could eat for a week,” wrote Starkovich, who was not involved in the research.

“Neanderthals knew what they were doing. They knew which kinds of individuals to hunt, where to find them, and how to execute the attack. Critically, they knew what to expect with a massive butchery effort and an even larger meat return.”

The Neanderthals living there likely knew how to preserve and store meat, perhaps through the use of fire and smoke, Roebroeks said. It’s also possible that such a meat bonanza was an opportunity for temporary gatherings of people from a larger social network, said study coauthor Sabine Gaudzinski-Windheuser, a professor of prehistoric and protohistoric archaeology at the Johannes Gutenberg-University in Mainz, Germany.

She explained the occasion could perhaps have served as a marriage market. An October 2022 study based on ancient DNA from a small group of Neanderthals living in what’s now Siberia suggested that women married outside their own community, noted Gaudzinski-Windheuser, who is also director of the Monrepos Archaeological Research Centre and Museum of Human Behavioural Evolution in Neuwied.

“We don’t see that in the archaeological record but I think the real benefit of this study is that now everything’s on the table,” she said.

Scientists had long thought that Neanderthals were highly mobile and lived in small groups of 20 or less. However, this latest finding suggested that they may have lived in much bigger groups and been more sedentary at this particular place and time, when food was plentiful and the climate benign. The climate at the time — before the ice sheets advanced at the start of the last ice age around 100,000 to 25,000 years ago — would have been similar to today’s conditions.

Killing a tusked elephant would not have been an everyday event, the study found, with approximately one animal killed every five to six years at this location based on the number found. It’s possible, however, that more elephant remains were destroyed as the site is part of a open cast mine, according to the researchers. Other finds at the site suggested Neanderthals hunted a wide array of animals across a lake landscape populated by wild horses, fallow deer and red deer.

More broadly, the study underscores the fact that Neanderthals weren’t brutish cave dwellers so often depicted in popular culture. In fact, the opposite is true: They were skilled hunters, understood how to process and preserve food, and thrived in a variety of different ecosystems and climates. Neanderthals also made sophisticated tools, yarn and art, and they buried their dead with care.

“To the more recognizably human traits that we know Neanderthals had — taking care of the sick, burying their dead, and occasional symbolic representation — we now also need to consider that they had preservation technologies to store food and were occasionally semi sedentary or that they sometimes operated in groups larger than we ever imagined,” Starkovich said.

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A dinosaur bigger than T. rex swam and hunted its prey underwater

This illustration shows a spinosaurus hunting a large underwater sawfish. (Davide Bonadonna)

Estimated read time: 5-6 minutes

CHICAGO — It’s long been thought that dinosaurs were land lubbers — terrestrial creatures that steered largely clear of water.

A groundbreaking discovery in 2014 of a Spinosaurus with features that pointed to an aquatic lifestyle — retracted nostrils, short hind legs, a finlike tail and paddle-like feet — challenged that view.

However, whether some dinosaurs were truly at ease in the water or just stood in the shallows and dipped their heads in to pursue prey as a heron would has divided paleontologists.

In an attempt to resolve this heated debate, a group of researchers has studied 380 bones belonging to 250 animals — some living and others extinct — including marine reptiles and flying reptiles, as well as mammals, lizards, crocodiles and birds.

“There are certain laws that are applicable to any organism on this planet. One of these laws regards density and the capability of submerging into water,” said Matteo Fabbri, a postdoctoral researcher at the Field Museum in Chicago, in a news release. He was the lead author of the study that published Wednesday in the journal Nature.

Bone density can be used as evidence for adaptation to life in water, the study said, as even aquatic animals that are not clearly shaped for an aquatic lifestyle — such as the hippopotamus — have very dense bones.

The researchers found that spinosaurids — a family of predatory dinosaurs that can be up to 49 feet in length (larger than a T. rex) — had dense bones, suggesting they were adapted to life in the water. None of the other 39 dinosaurs the research team investigated as part of the study were likely at ease in water, they said.

Spinosaurids’ relationship with water

Within the spinosaurid family, they concluded that Spinosaurus, which has a distinctive sail-like feature on its spine, and its close relative Baryonyx had increased bone density and would have been able to swim and hunt while submerged underwater — a bit like a crocodile or hippo. Suchomimus, another related dinosaur, had lighter bones that would have made swimming more difficult. It likely lived by water and ate fish, as evidenced by its crocodile-like snout and conical teeth, but based on its bone density, it wasn’t actually swimming, the study found.

Thomas Holtz, a principal lecturer in vertebrate paleontology at the University of Maryland, said the study confirmed that the ancestors of Spinosaurus and Baryonyx spent enough time in water to evolve ballast, to provide stability, in the form of dense bones. However, he said his work on Spinosaurus showed it most likely struck at food from above — perhaps from shore, or while cruising lazily on the water’s surface — not from diving in the depths.

“The nostrils of Spinosaurus is not at all placed like it is in animals like hippos and crocs, which spend much of their time submerged; instead, it is placed back on the skull as it is in herons and other animals which feed by dipping their snout in the water to feed,” said Holz, who wasn’t involved in the study.

“The new evidence is consistent with it being able to submerge, at least sometime(s). But as we showed in a paper last year, it couldn’t have been a really fast swimmer with that large sail, at least not in shallow water.”

Jason Poole, an adjunct professor at Drexel University and the Bighorn Basin Paleontological Institute’s director of fossil preparation, said he would have liked to see more specimens related to Spinosaurus included in the study.

“Oddball dinosaurs tend to offer insight into the extremes of dinosaur evolution. The more specimens the better to understand how they got to be so odd,” said Poole, who wasn’t involved in the research.

“I think this study is a good one to keep the ball rolling but more work is always needed to get a better picture of the life of something so strange and far removed in time.”

Big data

The researchers, including scientists from the United States, Europe and Morocco, first compiled a database of sections of thigh bones and rib bones from a variety of animals to understand whether there was a universal correlation between bone density and behavior.

They cast a wide net. “We included seals, whales, elephants, mice, hummingbirds. We have dinosaurs of different sizes, extinct marine reptiles like mosasaurs and plesiosaurs. We have animals that weigh several tons, and animals that are just a few grams. The spread is very big,” Fabbri said.

They found that animals that submerge themselves underwater to find food have bones that are almost completely solid throughout, whereas cross sections of land-dwellers’ bones look more like donuts, with hollow centers.

They did find that other dinosaurs, such as the towering plant-eating sauropods, also had dense leg bones, but other bones were lightweight. Fabbri said this was a pattern also seen in very heavy living land animals like elephants and rhinos.

The research is an example of a big data approach to paleontology that has yielded intriguing insights into how dinosaurs experienced their world — something that is often hard to ascertain from studying fossils of individual animals.

Such studies, according to Jingmai O’Connor, a curator at the Field Museum and co-author of the bone density study, that draw from hundreds of specimens, are “the future of paleontology.”

“They’re very time-consuming to do, but they let scientists shed light onto big patterns, rather than making qualitative observations based on one fossil.”

A study published last year examined and reconstructed the inner ears of ancient fossilized beasts and compared them with the ear canals of living animals. The researchers were able to deduce from that exercise whether the creatures would have been nocturnal hunters, attentive parents or clumsy fliers.

However, this kind of research does have limitations, since one individual feature cannot give a complete picture about the lifestyle of an animal, Holz said.

“Each piece of evidence adds to the total picture. In this particular case, they have provided a great new database of bone density in a wide variety of animals of different life habits. So in the future we can now compare other animals with lifestyles which are not well understood,” Holz said.

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A dinosaur bigger than T. rex swam and hunted its prey underwater

However, whether some dinosaurs were truly at ease in the water or just stood in the shallows and dipped their heads in to pursue prey as a heron would has divided paleontologists.

In an attempt to resolve this heated debate, a group of researchers has studied 380 bones belonging to 250 animals — some living and others extinct — including marine reptiles and flying reptiles, as well as mammals, lizards, crocodiles and birds.

“There are certain laws that are applicable to any organism on this planet. One of these laws regards density and the capability of submerging into water,” said Matteo Fabbri, a postdoctoral researcher at the Field Museum in Chicago, in a news release. He was the lead author of the study that published Wednesday in the journal Nature.

Bone density can be used as evidence for adaptation to life in water, the study said, as even aquatic animals that are not clearly shaped for an aquatic lifestyle — such as the hippopotamus — have very dense bones.

The researchers found that spinosaurids — a family of predatory dinosaurs that can be up to 15 meters (49 feet) in length (larger than a T. rex) — had dense bones, suggesting they were adapted to life in the water. None of the other 39 dinosaurs the research team investigated as part of the study were likely at ease in water, they said.

Spinosaurids’ relationship with water

Within the spinosaurid family, they concluded that Spinosaurus, which has a distinctive sail-like feature on its spine, and its close relative Baryonyx had increased bone density and would have been able to swim and hunt while submerged underwater — a bit like a crocodile or hippo. Suchomimus, another related dinosaur, had lighter bones that would have made swimming more difficult. It likely lived by water and ate fish, as evidenced by its crocodile-like snout and conical teeth, but based on its bone density, it wasn’t actually swimming, the study found.

Thomas Holtz, a principal lecturer in vertebrate paleontology at the University of Maryland, said the study confirmed that the ancestors of Spinosaurus and Baryonyx spent enough time in water to evolve ballast, to provide stability, in the form of dense bones. However, he said his work on Spinosaurus showed it most likely struck at food from above — perhaps from shore, or while cruising lazily on the water’s surface — not from diving in the depths.

“The nostrils of Spinosaurus is not at all placed like it is in animals like hippos and crocs, which spend much of their time submerged; instead, it is placed back on the skull as it is in herons and other animals which feed by dipping their snout in the water to feed,” said Holz, who wasn’t involved in the study.

“The new evidence is consistent with it being able to submerge, at least sometime(s). But as we showed in a paper last year, it couldn’t have been a really fast swimmer with that large sail, at least not in shallow water.”

Jason Poole, an adjunct professor at Drexel University and the Bighorn Basin Paleontological Institute’s director of fossil preparation, said he would have liked to see more specimens related to Spinosaurus included in the study.

“Oddball dinosaurs tend to offer insight into the extremes of dinosaur evolution. The more specimens the better to understand how they got to be so odd,” said Poole, who wasn’t involved in the research.

“I think this study is a good one to keep the ball rolling but more work is always needed to get a better picture of the life of something so strange and far removed in time.”

Big data

The researchers, including scientists from the United States, Europe and Morocco, first compiled a database of sections of thigh bones and rib bones from a variety of animals to understand whether there was a universal correlation between bone density and behavior.

They cast a wide net. “We included seals, whales, elephants, mice, hummingbirds. We have dinosaurs of different sizes, extinct marine reptiles like mosasaurs and plesiosaurs. We have animals that weigh several tons, and animals that are just a few grams. The spread is very big,” Fabbri said.

They found that animals that submerge themselves underwater to find food have bones that are almost completely solid throughout, whereas cross sections of land-dwellers’ bones look more like donuts, with hollow centers.

They did find that other dinosaurs, such as the towering plant-eating sauropods, also had dense leg bones, but other bones were lightweight. Fabbri said this was a pattern also seen in very heavy living land animals like elephants and rhinos.

The research is an example of a big data approach to paleontology that has yielded intriguing insights into how dinosaurs experienced their world — something that is often hard to ascertain from studying fossils of individual animals.

Such studies, according to Jingmai O’Connor, a curator at the Field Museum and co-author of the bone density study, that draw from hundreds of specimens, are “the future of paleontology.”

“They’re very time-consuming to do, but they let scientists shed light onto big patterns, rather than making qualitative observations based on one fossil.”

A study published last year examined and reconstructed the inner ears of ancient fossilized beasts and compared them with the ear canals of living animals. The researchers were able to deduce from that exercise whether the creatures would have been nocturnal hunters, attentive parents or clumsy fliers.

However, this kind of research does have limitations, since one individual feature cannot give a complete picture about the lifestyle of an animal, Holz said.

“Each piece of evidence adds to the total picture. In this particular case, they have provided a great new database of bone density in a wide variety of animals of different life habits. So in the future we can now compare other animals with lifestyles which are not well understood,” Holz said.

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Rare fossil of 25-million-year-old eagle that hunted koalas found in South Australia

The newly discovered species, Archaehierax sylvestris, is one of the oldest eagle-like raptors in the world, according to a study published Monday in the peer-reviewed journal, Historical Biology. Paleontologists from Adelaide’s Flinders University unearthed the fossil in March 2016 on a remote outback cattle station during a research trip at Lake Pinpa in South Australia.

Archaehierax is the largest eagle known to have lived in Australia during the Oligocene period, which dates back about 33.9 million to 23 million years ago, the study said. It was smaller and more slender than the wedge-tailed eagle, Australia’s largest bird of prey, according to the Western Australian Museum.

With feet nearly 15 centimeters (6 inches) long, the eagle would have had the ability to grasp large prey. The scientists said it would have hunted an extinct species of koala, which was about the same size as those alive today, as well as possums and other animals in trees, the study said.

“The largest marsupial predators at the time were about the size of a small dog or large cat, so Archaehierax was certainly ruling the roost,” Ellen Mather, author of the study and Flinders University postdoctoral candidate, said in a statement.

The partial fossil skeleton is comprised of 63 bones, making Archaehierax sylvestris one of the best preserved species found around Lake Pinpa. The completeness of the skeleton allowed researchers to determine where it fits on the eagle family tree, Mather said.

“It shows a range of features unlike any seen among modern hawks and eagles,” she said. “It seems to have been its own unique branch of the eagle family.”

The fossil bones reveal that the wings of the species were short for its size, which made them quite agile and allowed them to dodge trees while it hunted. Its legs were relatively long, which would have given it considerable reach.

Scientists did not say why or when the species went extinct.

The Australian environment during the Oligocene was vastly different to today. Lake Pinpa, where the fossil was found, was once a lush ecosystem covered in trees and forests, the study said. Today, it is barren, dry and desolate.

Trevor Worthy, associate professor at Flinders University and co-author of the study, said in the statement that it is rare to find even one bone from a fossil eagle. This is likely due to a number of reasons, Mather added, including that bird bones can be quite fragile, which makes them easier to break.

“To have most of the skeleton is pretty exciting, especially considering how old it is,” Worthy said.

Researchers have made a number of fossil discoveries in Australia over the years, shedding light on the diversity of species that roamed the Earth eons ago.

Most recently, scientists discovered that there once was a species of flying “dragon” that soared over Australia 105 million years ago. The pterosaur was described by researchers as a “fearsome beast” who snacked on juvenile dinosaurs. In June, scientists confirmed that the 2007 discovery of a fossilized skeleton in the state of Queensland was Australia’s largest dinosaur. The dinosaur, nicknamed “Cooper,” stood at about two stories tall, and was a as long as a basketball court.

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Afghan sniper who helped British Army ‘hunted down and executed by Taliban’

An Afghan sniper who worked alongside British special forces in the war-torn country was hunted down by the Taliban on Monday and executed in front of his family, according to a former UK army colonel.

The victim, a father of five only identified as “N” to protect his surviving kin, reportedly was murdered after being one of the hundreds of Western allies left behind during a disastrous evacuation effort.

AFGHANISTAN’S COMING WEEKS, MONTHS COULD BE ‘VERY DETRIMENTAL’ AS AID PROBLEMS MOUNTING UNDER TALIBAN RULE

“He [had] been in hiding because of the threat he faced,” British former Col. Ash Alexander-Cooper, who was once a senior adviser to the Afghan Ministry of Interior Affairs, told the Times of London.

“But they found him, and he was shot multiple times, executed in front of his family,” said Alexander-Cooper, who served eight tours in Afghanistan, including at least one alongside “N.”

Taliban soldiers stand guard in Panjshir province northeastern of Afghanistan, Wednesday, Sept. 8, 2021. (AP Photo/Mohammad Asif Khan)
(AP Photo/Mohammad Asif Khan)

The murdered sniper had been in a “very effective” elite Afghan squad — known as CF333 — that was “mentored by the British,” the former army officer said.

“N” tried to be evacuated from his homeland once the Taliban took power, fearing he would be targeted as a “collaborator,” but he was one of the hundreds left behind when US and UK troops left, the outlet said.

“It was entirely predictable this would happen for all of those left behind who were given no guidance,” Alexander-Cooper told the UK Times.

FORMER UK COMMANDER IN AFGHANISTAN SAYS BIDEN SHOULDN’T BE IMPEACHED: ‘HE SHOULD BE COURT-MARTIALED’

He said the murder proves that the Taliban’s declarations of an amnesty for those who worked against the Islamic fundamentalist group are merely a “fantasy.”

The UK paper said an interpreter who also failed to be evacuated after helping the British military was kidnapped by a 25-man squad of Taliban troops and badly beaten.

The man, identified as Sharif Karimi, a 31-year-old married father of four, said he was then held for four days in a tiny cell with barely any oxygen.

He was eventually released because local elders intervened and his family managed to pay a $21,500 ransom, the report said.

The UK’s Ministry of Defense told the UK paper that the nation’s armed forces “were able to evacuate over 15,000 people from Kabul.

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“Regrettably, we were not able to evacuate everyone in the limited time we had available,” the department said, insisting that its “commitment to Afghanistan and those who supported our mission there endures.

“We will continue to work with international partners to ensure they have safe passage out of Afghanistan,” the MoD added.

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US supporters trapped in Kabul ‘hunted like animals’ by Taliban: Sara Carter

As the Taliban takes control of Afghanistan following the Biden administration’s chaotic withdrawal, untold numbers of American citizens, Afghan translators and U.S.-allied individuals remain trapped behind the militant group’s checkpoints, as Fox News contributor Sara Carter and Fox Nation host Lara Logan described the widespread fear gripping the war-torn nation.

“People are living in terror right now,” Carter said Friday on “Hannity,” recounting reports from sources and friends in Afghanistan of Taliban militants summarily “hunting [them] down like animals.”

“I have been speaking to over 30 people in various different groups. Some of my sources are around the Kabul embassy and around, as well, the Kabul International Airport. They are in hiding. They have been beaten. I have one source that was beaten so badly, his leg was almost broken,” she said.

Carter said some of those people have been able to make it to the gates of the airport, just to find them arbitrarily closed or unguarded.

“[They] cannot get into the Kabul airport because there is no one to allow them into the gate. The gates have been open, they have been shut. Now we are hearing they may open again. I have other family members at home who are calling me during the day and during the middle of the night, I can literally hear the gunfire outside of their homes, as the Taliban is searching for them.”

As the Taliban takes control of biometric identification systems left behind by the former government, both Carter and Logan said the militants have the capability to identify those who will be “hunted” and killed.

Later on “Hannity,” Logan recalled hearing from American citizens and embassy staff who are fearing for their life and enraged that the American military has not gotten the call from the Pentagon to go into the city proper and safely extract them, as the United Kingdom and France have ordered for their trapped civilians.

“The orders are changing constantly, nobody is making decisions, and those are private American citizens, many former veterans, but not all, some of whom are on the ground and some of whom trying to rescue people, trying to hunt… families of special operations soldiers and move them to safe houses because they are being hunted,” she said.

Many of the people Logan has spoken with are strongly considering going to command posts of the German and Australian forces and asking them for help because the United States government refuses to help them or get them out of the country.

Those folks, she said, are collectively calling for the ouster of Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Mark Milley, the highest-ranking uniformed military officer, and top Biden adviser.

“The U.S. Military and State Department keep blocking the flights, they keep refusing clearances, and that they are so frustrated that at this point, they think that General Milley should resign, that he is making this mission impossible,” Logan said.

“They don’t understand why there isn’t a perimeter already established and controlled by the U.S. Military. Five days in at this point, they say it is unacceptable.”

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She added that the Taliban is collectively considering Biden’s August 31st date a firm conclusion to U.S. involvement in the country, regardless of what the president himself or the Pentagon may say.

“The Taliban is telling the U.S. that they have to be out of the country by then. They are pushing for 100% power. They are ordering Afghan officials who they are supposedly in talks with to swear allegiance or Bay’ah to the Taliban’s Islamic emirate. If you recall, when Ayman al-Zawahiri became the leader of Al Qaeda, he swore Bay’ah publicly to the Islamic Emirate of the Taliban – and they want to see the Taliban flag flying over Afghanistan for the 20th anniversary of 9/11.”

“That is what Afghan intelligence and security officials have been telling me, and they say there are no talks, that the Europeans, everybody else knows it, and they are just grabbing up their people and running for the exits as fast as they can because this is going so far south.”

Al-Zawahiri, 70, an Egyptian native, has been the leader of Al Qaeda since Navy SEALs successfully killed his predecessor, Osama bin Laden, in 2011. The FBI continues a $25 million reward for his capture.

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The ‘Bachelorette’ Recap: The Hunter Becomes the Hunted

The Bachelorette has specific rules about sex—nobody does it until the fantasy suites episode. The Bachelorette does not, however, have any rules about masturbation. In general, there are very few rules about masturbation besides “please don’t do it around other people” and “please don’t tell me about it.” Generally, it’s considered best not to talk about what we do while we’re alone with our own thoughts and genitalia.

However, our Bachelorette is intent on breaking that social construct. Katie famously entered the last season of The Bachelor with a vibrator, a move that turned her into a sex-positive hero and gave her a sole personality trait for ABC to focus on. But now she’s apparently changed her positive opinions about self-gratification: Katie claims that she’s heard through the grapevine that her contestants are jerking off a lot—who told her this?!?!?! And why?!—and thus imposes a masturbation moratorium. (A masturboratorium?) I guess she’s hoping they’ll show their dedication to her by saving their sexual energy for fantasy suites? Or something? Katie, Tayshia, and Kaitlyn talk about forcing a bunch of adult men to go celibate like it’s a normal thing. They also overtly copy one of the most famous episodes of Seinfeld.

After a lot of jerkoff jokes, Katie names this the “WOWO Challenge,” for “Week Off Whacking Off.” The men, meanwhile, begin policing each other and calling one another out for taking suspiciously long showers.

But the burden is too much to bear for new contestant Blake. Although he’s had significantly less time with Katie than contestants who have been on the show since the beginning, he uses a brief conversation with Katie to complain. “I’m really built up,” he tells her. Blake elaborates that he’s used to masturbating a lot, especially on weekends. (It’s unclear why a “wildlife manager” has such a firmly defined work schedule—I assume wildlife still needs managing on Saturdays and Sundays, unless woodland creatures have begun observing the conventional human workweek.)

He then later shows up at Katie’s room with a boombox after she has an emotional night. Blake is soaring on this season: Katie cracks up at pretty much everything he says, and they always end up kissing a lot. After Blake and Katie make out extensively, the show gives us an extended montage: Blake says it’s “time for my happy ending” before placing a “do not disturb” sign on his door and turning off his lights. Then there’s a shot of a sprinkler rising out of the ground and spewing water. The montage is meant to mirror the way fantasy suite dates end, except instead of portraying the consensual, romantic lovemaking the show builds toward, it’s portraying a dude in his own room going to town on himself.

Overall, the challenge raises a lot of questions: Why did Katie, once a masturbation enthusiast, prohibit others from masturbation? Where exactly are these guys jerking off, considering they’re all living in communal spaces while being subject to nonstop filming? Are they allowed to use the hotel TVs to order porn? Is it OK if we acknowledge that it’s healthy and normal for people to masturbate, but just all mutually agree not to talk about it, like we were doing before this episode? That would be great.

But most importantly: Why the celebratory tone for Blake? Everybody on the show agreed to stop jacking it—and Blake gets a damn montage for making a withdrawal from the wank bank? Does Katie know that he’s blatantly breaking her beat-off ban? Blake should suffer consequences for his inability to manage his own wildlife—instead, while all the other men are practicing self-denial for Katie’s sake, Blake gets to make out with Katie and masturbate while becoming a front-runner for the season. What a jerkoff!

Biggest Loser: Extremely Passionate Bachelorette Fans

Last episode, Hunter was criticized for his aggression. Monday night, a new element was added to the Hunter hatred: Several contestants accused him of being a Bachelorette obsessive, claiming that he has an encyclopedic knowledge of the show he is using to scheme his way through the season. From time to time, the show has played up certain contestants for their fandom of the franchise—on JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, one contestant’s listed profession was “Bachelor Superfan, but I can’t remember it being used as an insult like it was Monday night.

This plotline starts when Hunter explains to Greg that even though he’s received a one-on-one date in the past, he’s still eligible to get a second one-on-one date, insisting that “it’s happened before.” Hunter goes on to explain that he’s got a projection for the season’s top 4, which includes Greg, Connor, and himself. (Terrible projection—this guy can’t be that much of a superfan if his takes are this bad.) Greg comments that Hunter “knows the process very well,” and things spiral from there. The implication seems to be that Hunter may be more interested in staying on his favorite show than he is in finding love.

The group gangs up on Hunter on a date hosted by Shea Couleé and Monét X Change, a pair of former winners of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I kind of assumed when the drag queens walked out, the date was going to be drag-related—but no, for some reason it’s a “debate”-themed date, during which all the men stand behind lecterns and say mean things about each other. It’s completely unclear why Shea and Monét have been brought in to serve as debate moderators, although they do a fine job, wisely encouraging everybody to roast Hunter as aggressively as possible. James accuses Hunter of commenting on Bachelor fan message boards, a truly devastating zing.

The animosity grows, as several men personally address Katie about Hunter. At the end of the episode, Katie says that she doesn’t need to have a cocktail party because she knows who she’s going to pick—then she starts the rose ceremony by pulling Hunter aside for one last conversation to get final “clarity” on her choice before making him get back on the stage. (Katie’s good at the whole drama thing.) But when all is said and done, Hunter gets sent home, unable to sufficiently refute the superfan slander.

When the men started bringing up Hunter’s fandom, I loved it. “Holy crap,” I thought, “that’s so embarrassing! Imagine being outed as caring obsessively about this dumb TV show!” Then I remembered … I care obsessively about this dumb TV show! I have the encyclopedic Bachelor knowledge they’re making fun of Hunter for having! I frequently post online about this show! I tell anybody who will listen who I think will be this season’s top four! (Andrew, Blake, Greg, Michael.) They’re not just roasting Hunter—they’re roasting me! And if you’re reading this, they’re roasting you too!

I wasn’t a fan of Hunter—until his fellow contestants started attacking him for watching too much of this show. It’s unclear how accurate the accusations are, but I resent that anybody would be so mercilessly mocked for our perfectly normal, not-at-all-weird habits of overanalyzing this perfectly banal show which probably doesn’t require overanalysis.

And by the way, the other guys are lying if they claim they don’t also watch this show obsessively. (Remember last episode when Blake walked into the room and Aaron immediately knew who he was? HOW’D YOU PULL THAT OFF, BUDDY? DO YOU KNOW HIM FROM SAN DIEGO TOO?) But more importantly, Bachelor superfans are people too! We deserve love even though our perception of love has been permanently skewed by this TV show! Don’t insult us, or else … or else we’ll write lengthy posts online about your show!

Toughest Send-Off: Connor

As a white person, I feel strongly that it should be illegal for white people to play the ukulele. It’s a rule which Connor repeatedly broke on this season, making him my least favorite guy on the show. But even I felt a little bit bummed by the way Connor got axed Monday night.

Connor hit it off with Katie from the moment he walked out of a limo wearing a cat costume, so Katie decided to put their relationship to the test with a one-on-one date. It was a fun date—a grilling session with Kaitlyn and her man Jason, a great couple that proves the best outcome from being on The Bachelorette isn’t actually winning, but becoming famous enough to meet other hot people who have been on different seasons of The Bachelorette. Everybody has a great time—and Katie and Connor make out voraciously, as they have several times before—but Katie then announces that she firmly feels that her vibe with Connor is a friendship rather than a relationship.

So Katie visits Connor before the dinner portion of the date. She’s crying, and Connor knows what’s up—at one point he says “I know where this is going, it’s OK.” She eventually tells Connor that she simply doesn’t feel a spark when they kiss, a feeling she expresses over and over again. (This is possibly related to the fact that the first time they kissed, Connor was wearing full cat makeup, which smeared all over her face.) Connor is heartbroken and starts to cry.

There is no good way to tell someone you get along with that there’s no romantic component to your relationship. It’s obviously unfair, and it’s obviously going to hurt their feelings, and it’s obviously going to make them feel bad about things they can’t change. But Katie really focused on the kissing element, leading Connor to shout in an interview: “How bad of a kisser am I? Fuck!”

This could ruin his future. He’s going to go home and turn himself into the world’s worst kisser in an attempt to fix the kissing problem. He’ll get radicalized by “how to kiss” videos on YouTube and the next time he’s with a woman he’s probably going to shove his entire tongue down her throat while wildly gyrating his lower jaw. But I’m thinking all he has to do is not wear full cat makeup the next time you have a first kiss with somebody. It’s probably hard to get that image out of your head!

Most Bewildering Job, Non-Blake Edition: Franco

This was the second straight episode featuring tertiary Bachelor character Franco. Last week, he helped explain the sport of Bash Ball to the contestants, which is strange, because in every other episode he’d ever been on, he’d been the photographer in a wedding-themed photo shoot. Luckily, on Monday night … he was a photographer in a wedding-themed photo shoot.

By my count, Franco has now been on the Bachelor franchise four times. Considering the show is now including him on non-photography dates, it’s clear the producers are trying to make Franco a thing. So it’s time for us to have a talk about something: Why do all the pictures Franco takes suck?

Screenshot via ABC

These are terrible! If my wedding photographer sent over these pictures, I’d file a lawsuit. Is there a reason every one of them is blurry, out-of-focus, and extremely overexposed? Is it a stylistic thing? Is it supposed to be cool that these pictures look like they were taken with a Motorola Razr in 2006?

I’m not actually sure Franco is a photographer. On his Instagram—where all the pictures are suspiciously in focus—he calls himself a “designer, creative director, writer, and producer.” Maybe his lack of photography gigs explains why he’s dependent on reality TV appearances?

Worst Strategy: The Gang-up Gang

The contestants on this season got really good at banding together and deciding which guy they wanted to get eliminated. It started with Aaron warning Katie about Cody, but the whole cast got in on it when the men alerted Katie that Karl’s accusations were all bogus. Next it was Thomas, who supposedly wanted to become the next Bachelor; and Monday night it was Hunter, the Bachelor superfan. Each time, men alerted Katie to the fact that something was supposedly off with their enemy’s behavior or motivations—and each time, she listened to them, and kicked the accused contestant off. (Most of them deserved it, but I still believe Thomas got done dirty.)

But Monday night, the wheel turned. In the rose ceremony, Katie did eliminate Hunter—but she also eliminated Aaron, James, and Tre, the three men who specifically used their time in Monday night’s episode to warn Katie about Hunter. All three were extremely devoted to crafting drama—especially Aaron, whose entire stint on the show revolved around getting upset at other guys.

Maybe someday, there will be a Bachelorette who’s just looking for someone who’ll spend all day every day complaining about other people—but until then, this remains a strategy for unserious contestants. Hating on everybody might help you outlast the show’s skeeziest guys, but eventually, they run out, and then you’ve got nothing else.

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